Out Of the Pit...

Last week, I spent four wonderful, relaxing days at a retreat center in Auburn (CA). I'd been hoping it would bring me out of the doldrums and help me climb out of my pit of depression. I'm happy to report it did. I had a fantastic time and enjoyed myself so much. Sewing all day, eating lots of fruit and chocolate and drinking huge amounts of good coffee, going to bed when I could barely sew another stitch, having my meals prepared for me and no dishes to do, sleeping in a comfortable bed in my own tiny little cell of a room... all of it was pure heaven! It was very difficult to pack up my car and drive away last Thursday, but part of the challenge was to think of the week as a new beginning, and accept that I can change my everyday life back home, and make my own retreat every day in my beautiful studio. I've always thought of my studio as a haven away from the stuff I want to get away from, but I'm thinking about it a lot more now.

The setting of the retreat center was absolutely gorgeous. Auburn is nestled in the foothills of the Sierra Nevada Mountains at an elevation of about 1200 feet. The grounds are surrounded by groves of tall trees and lush vegetation. It's incredibly quiet there with lots of gentle bird sounds, and wind rushing through the trees. No Spanish style California architecture is complete without a central patio and bubbling fountain, and here was no exception... I was reminded of my grandparent's house on the Central California coast. The walls of the hallways and many of the meeting rooms were covered with wonderful art - both paintings and fabric work, and there were comfortable, and I mean really, truly, lushly comfortable, chairs everywhere, and beautiful bouquets of fresh flowers on every surface. There was a beautiful grand piano in one of the rooms, but it was so horridly out of tune I simply couldn't stand to play it...  >8-/

This is the view from my room... the building in the background is where our group had our sewing space...                                                                    

The central patio from the residence hall entryway...

The residence hall from the sewing room...

View of the grounds from the sewing room...

Inside, the sewing room was huge, with lots of tables and room to spread out our stuff, tons of natural light durning the day, and reasonably good lighting after dark, though it helped to have that extra lamp near my machine.

There was plenty of inspiration and everyone was turning out great work!

Here's Chilly and her "Gordian Knot"...

Another big, colorful eye-popper from Jennifer...

Jo's whimsical "Day On the Farm"...

Joan's "Canine Stars"...

Trudy's "Hungry Caterpillar"...

As for myself, I pieced and pieced and pieced and pieced, and got all of the squares made for a Day of the Dead "Yellow Brick Road"quilt, finished the eight pieced squares from my "Ave Maria" quilt kit, and completed another block from that dreadful "Canine Stars" project... I'm hoping to put the Yellow Brick Road and Ave Maria tops together this week. I still have two more Canine Star blocks to make, but the Goddess only knows when I'll feel inspired to work on those again. It was about six months since I completed the last block, and that was a just-about-right time gap. Pics later. 

The Pits...

I've found myself being eaten alive by depression for almost three months now, and I'm to the point where I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever find a way to pull my life back together. So much has happened since my last post - some of it quite awful; other stuff equally wonderful... but the elation I experience from the good stuff only lasts a day, if that long, and then I slide back into the pit again.

The new year started out so promising... in mid-January I reached my 6-month sobriety mark and was so proud of myself. I'd gotten to the point where I wasn't doing any stinking-thinking any more, and the desire for Jack appeared to be a thing of the past. I was enthusiastically attending AA meetings, plowing my way through the 12 step program, doing a lot of writing, having weekly meetings with my sponsor, digging deeper into my head than I've been in decades, and getting some really good work done.

I was starting to practice the piano again, and making some serious progress on a couple of Rachmaninoff preludes; I dragged out my flute and managed to work myself up to a good twenty minute session a couple of times a week without collapsing a lung; I replaced the stacks of crap on the organ bench with my butt and dug into some Bach and, overall, was having a grand time.

I have a trunk show to present in November, followed by a class in January, and I was starting to make up a bunch of class samples, and was getting a good running start on my new direction of "Small-and-Embellished-to-Hell" quilts for this year's Open Studios.

Best of all I was working out at the gym three days a week and was building some awesome muscles and strength, as well as losing a few pounds. I was totally loving it and was experiencing a new kind of high like nothing I'd ever experienced before.

Then... Wham! Bam! Thank-you Ma'am...! Something fell out of the sky and practically shut me down, and I haven't been able to rev myself back up for shit. A good friend died in March, and totally knocked the wind out of my sails. Then a few crummy things happened to a couple of other friends, then the crap in Boston, followed by the horror in Texas... the kind of stuff that normally upsets me but doesn't lay me low... this time around everything has completely flattened me. In the meantime, my over-abundance of enthusiasm at the gym resulted in what's turning out to be a major case of "Trigger Thumb" in both of my hands.  The pain is from hell, and I haven't been able to work out in over a month, and playing any of my instruments has become impossible because it just hurts too fucking much. My creativity in the studio has tanked, and I haven't sewn a stitch for weeks.

Most damning of all is the worsening of my tinnitus problem. I'm now continuously barraged with high-pitched ringing in both ears, sometimes accompanied by a lower pitch (or two) and sometimes by a whooshing sound. I can no longer just sit and enjoy silence, as I once loved to do. But I sit anyway, and have begun to meditate every day, at which time I just sit with the noise and let it be what it is. Most of the tinnitus is caused by the blood pressure meds I take, and, recently, has been exacerbated by the addition of the Nsaids I'm now taking for the pain in my hands. I want to free myself from the Nsaids because I know they're dangerous, but, even in the short time I've been taking them, my body has become dependent on them, and when I stop, other pains from aging joints and old injuries make themselves known and it's quite dreadful. I must wean myself from them, though... that's all there is to it.

The only thing I've hung in with is tending to my orchids and violets, because I know they'll die if I don't stay on top of their care. My roses and other outside plants have completely gone to hell, and, if not for our recent rains, they would have croaked along with everything else. But now that the rain has stopped, I can't even drag my ass outside and turn on the frigging hose.

And my cats. I thank The Universe for my cats. They've been my only dose of salvation.

And... I haven't had a drink, though my caffeine and ice cream intake has gone through the roof.

So, that's where I am.

I. feel. so. lost. and. I just. can't. find. my. way. back.

On Monday, I'm leaving for a few days at a retreat center with a bunch of my quilting buddies. Today, as I was getting stuff ready to take, I felt the tiniest surge of excitement, and I'm hoping against hope this week may be the beginning of my return to My Life.

Please send some good mojo my way!

I'll Be Back...

Note: I haven't vanished from the face of the earth. I WILL return. Not sure when, but it'll happen. I promise!

Hell To Pay...

Well, the worst has happened... this morning, my sad old computer wheezed its last and said, "Bye... I'm outta here," then laid down it's pore, tired haid and died. Everything's gone... over 4,000 photos, my address book, passwords file, iTunes library of hundreds of pieces of music, bookmarks, calendar, e-mails, and Goddess knows how much else. I'm in shock, and really can't even think about it right now. Of course, the proposed data transfer to the new machine never happened. In addition, we won't even mention the embarrassing fact  that I, as a former main frame computer operator who bloody damn well knows better, never did a backup on that sad, sick machine. So, even though the new machine is mine to use, I'm at ground zero as far as my important stuff is concerned. Oh well, no use whining... it's a done deal. As for how "important" it all really was... just how important is anything in the long run?

I'm facing my Armageddon, and it serves me right.

6 Months... YAY!!!

Six months ago, NOTHING you could have told me would have made me believe I'd get to this point... but here I am! Thanks to everyone who helped me get here... I love you madly!!

Words...

These words, spoken at the beginning of every AA meeting, are beginning to mean the world to me. I'd heard them at various times and places over the years, and never gave them, or the concept they represent, much thought. Until July 23... the day I attended my first AA meeting and heard them in an entirely new context. Four days before that meeting, my life had changed irrevocably. The words suddenly hit home because I realized I was no longer "in control". Had I ever been? Not a chance. Did I really want to be? Not a chance. Suddenly, control wasn't an issue any longer, and I felt immensely free. I've never been a praying woman, and I'm still not, but, somehow, it now seems okay to say these words, and these days, I even say the first word without flinching. That first word still makes me uncomfortable, but I'm working around it, and maybe one day I'll get over it. In the meantime, I feel I've reached heretofore unknown levels of serenity, acceptance, courage and wisdom... and it feels good.

Tribal Art & Textiles

I'm currently exhibiting with Cleven "Goodie" Goudeau in a wonderful show at the Umpqua Bank here in Vallejo. Curated by Goodie's wife, Jeanette McCree Goudeau, the exhibit pairs my African-influenced art quilts with some of Goodie's vibrant African paintings. The result is a colorful and visually exciting feast for the eyes! Enjoy...

The show will be up for a few more weeks, and then will be moving to another venue. Jeanette has big plans to "take it on the road", so stay tuned...

I want to extend my sincere thanks to Umpqua Bank for their support of this exhibit, and for artists in general. Every branch in this area displays art on a regular basis - I think they're awesome!

New Treasures...

I just gifted myself with two fun pieces of art from my fabulous artist friend, Cheryl Dolby, who lives a gazillion miles away in Roanoke, Virginia. Well, it seems like that far away, because I'd love to be able to get together with her and hang out and talk about art, and play around in one of her classes, and see her exciting work up close and personal. She's also an incredible cook, and I'd like to play "bake-off" with her! That all probably won't ever happen, though, so I do the next best thing... I faithfully follow her blog, and buy myself a piece of her art every once in a while. Cheryl celebrates women in her art... strong, beautiful, elegant women... in jewelry, sculpture, dolls, and paintings. I love her women... it's hard to describe because it's such a personal thing, but they really talk to me, and they empower me. I wish I could fill my house with her women... but, sigh... my tiny house is already overflowing with wonderful art from so many artist friends, not to mention my own art... there are limits I have to face!

My newest treasures are apothecary jars with tops featuring sculpted and embellished women's faces. Here's Timekeeper:

and Tree Crone Woman:

They'll be at home on the desk in my studio and will hold important-to-me family stuff like my parents' wedding rings, dad's Phi Beta Kappa tie clip, mother's nursing school pins, Grandma Willey's beautiful cameo broach, Grandma Conklin's ruby cross, and other small pieces of sentimentalia. Better to store such treasures in beautiful glass jars where I can see them instead of hidden away in boxes in a closet.

Thanks, Cheryl, for once again bringing beauty into my life!

Eternal rest grant unto them, and let perpetual light shine upon them...

Charlotte Bacon

Daniel Barden

Rachel Davino

Olivia Engel

Josephine Gay

Ana Marquez-Greene

Dylan Hockley

Dawn Hochsprung

Madeline Hsu

Catherine Hubbard

Chase Kowalski

Nancy Lanza

Jesse Lewis

James Mattioli

Grace McDonnell

Anne Marie Murphy

Emilie Parker

Jack Pinto

Noah Pozner

Caroline Previdi

Jessica Rekos

Avielle Richman

Lauren Rousseau

Mary Sherlach

Victoria Soto

Benjamin Wheeler

Allison Wyatt

Jennie Rayment - My favorite teacher from whom I've yet to take a class...

Jennie is flat out awesome! A total crazy lady, with a sense of humor that never stops, and creativity and talent that will knock your socks off. This year at PIQF, I was blown away every time I peeked into her classroom (which was right next to mine), and saw what her students were doing. My friends Dale and Lani took one of her classes, and I loved what they created. Miss Jennie captivated me as she emcee'd this year's Show & Tell event and had us all laughing until we were in pain, then late Sunday afternoon I wound up having a fun conversation with her as the festival was just about to close, and we were both headed out, dog-tired, and grateful for the chance to sit down for a few minutes.

What this woman can do with a piece of fabric, as she rolls, folds, nips, tucks, fiddles and twiddles it into a piece of art, is almost unbelievable. I could look at it for hours trying to figure out how she achieved a certain look, then realize I really don't care HOW she achieved it, only that she DID achieve it. She won't be back to teach again at PIQF until 2014, but I'll be first in line to sign up for her classes then! I WANT to add this element to my quilts! Here's a portion of her exhibit in this year's show...

"Totally Tucked", with two detail pictures...

"All Squared Up" - features eight different techniques, each block made from square or rectangular pieces of fabric...

"Tweaked and Twiddled" - a 24-section pieced square with inserted triangles flattened to form petal shapes, is surrounded by tucked and twiddled fans...

"Out of Africa" - created using African fabrics that have been manipulated into Origami hexagons, tucked-up bands, and a petal pattern with multiple Origami twists in the border...

"Embellished Tucks" - the edges of tucks can be embellished with yarn zig-zagged to the edges, or by doing a satin stitch along the edges.

More embellished tucks...

"Magnolia Dusk" - uses weaving, Origami, tucked designs, and the innovative 'Fancy Fandango' and 'Floral Fantasies' designs to create an ingenious piece of fabric manipulation...

"Melange"...

"Foldy Rolly Fireworks" - all of the designs are named after fireworks...

Impressive, eh?? It just about wore me out looking at and thinking about all of the work that went into creating these quilts. But then, she has SO many more and, in addition, she's written a boatload of books! So I'm thinking this process can't be all that difficult, or she'd never have been able to crank out so much work, plus teaching... and lecturing... and traveling all over the planet... right??? Well, I'll get my chance to find out come October 2014!